The Eighteen Inch Journey
by nanduenkop
Summary: They say the distance between your heart and your head is approximately 18 inches. For some, it's a piece of cake, but it may be the most difficult journey Kate Beckett has ever attempted. From Dr. Burke's POV. Season 4 Spoilers. CHAPTER 4 IS UP!
1. 01 Heroes and Villains

"She said people at the precinct were talking about my shooting."

Detective Kate Beckett is my current session, and the last time she was here, she sat curled up in a tight ball on the couch – tucked into the corner like she was trying to squeeze into a hiding spot where no one in the world could find her. Literally, from whoever had orchestrated the attempt on her life, and metaphorically from whatever demons are still chasing after her since she started looking into her mother's murder again a few years ago.

"But people talk," she goes on.

Today, her feet are firmly planted on the floor – one foot slightly ahead of the other – not trapped underneath her. Never has the idea of someone having one foot out the door been so visually portrayed. I doubt Kate has any idea of what she's doing.

"What did she say people were talking about?"

I have a pretty good idea, but I want to hear Kate say it. She's working on talking about the things that are going on in her mind, on not playing things quite so close to the vest all the time. It's tough for the strong ones, and Kate has been strong for an incredibly long time. She wants to change, though, and that is what allows me to step back, to not try to fill in the blanks for her.

"That I was shot because of my mom's case."

Kate's not making eye contact. I can't make her do that. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, or admit to anything she doesn't want to admit to. Right now, her answering my questions is a good start, though. We'll work up to it.

"Which is true. It's just…"

Her voice drops off, and her gaze drifts out to the windows. Maybe it's one arm out the window instead of one foot out the door.

"Just what?" I ask when she doesn't continue. Like I said, I can't fill in the blanks for her. She has to answer this.

"It's just… with everything that's happened, I just – I don't want those kinds of rumors flying around. Not about me, and not about my mom."

There's the faintest hint of guilt in Kate's voice, although her face is poker face blank, and nothing has changed about her posture since her arrival. Ramrod straight, like someone shoved a metal pole down her spine to keep it rigid.

"Do you feel guilty about being shot?"

We've been over a little bit of this before, and I made notes after our last session to come back to it. Whether Kate realizes it or not, she left me with the perfect opening to do exactly that.

She nods faintly. "Sometimes, a little bit – when I think about Dad, and what he went through after Mom was killed… how he almost lost both of us to this thing we haven't figured out."

We as in Kate and Castle, not Kate and her father. From what she's said, her father has mostly made peace with his wife's murder. As for Kate, it's what drives her. It's what keeps her going. She doesn't know who she is if she's not trying to figure out this now massive conspiracy. It's part of what has her here now. Trying to figure out who and what she is without it.

There's more to her answer than just her father, though. The way her eyes dart around the room – she's looking for an avenue of escape, but knows at the same time that this is where she needs to be if she ever wants to get past the things keeping her from being the person she wants to be and having the relationships she wants to have with the people closest to her.

"What else?"

It's a full minute of silence before Kate answers. I wait it out, knowing the answer will come. She just needs to work it out in her head.

"Castle."

Again, there's more to it than that, and it's another minute before her voice fills the silence again. She's talked a lot about this man – how he started as the annoying and interfering writing doing 'character research' and went from there to friend to trusted partner to the man who loves her.

"A half-second sooner, and it would have been him bleeding out instead of me."

She's said this before, hinting at the possibility of guilt, but never fully in terms of how much.

"He has a mother, and a daughter to take care of," Kate goes on. "A family that loves and adores him – that would be completely devastated if it lost him. He's not a cop, and it's not his job to protect me. If something happens to him…"

She struggles for a second to either find words or a breath, and then goes on.

"But he doesn't see it that way."

"How do you think he sees it?"

"I don't know," Kate replies with a shake of her head. "And mostly he knows I know how to protect myself. It's just that every so often…"

Her voice drops off yet again, but just for a few seconds. When it comes back, it's stronger, laced with tiny bits of frustration.

"Every so often, he tries to be the hero, and does things like… camping out on my couch when serial killers are coming after me. Running into burning buildings to rescue me. Pulling movie stunts like Steven Segall on trained mercenaries. Or…"

"Or?"

"Or jumping in front of bullets."

"And why do you think he does that?"

Kate looks at me as if I've lost my mind. Or gone stupid. But she answers. "Because he loves me."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"A lot…" she takes an unsteady breath, the composure on her face finally cracking. "It means a lot. I just… I don't – I don't want him to sacrifice his life for mine."

There's the lightest of raps on my door – the receptionist's reminder that this session needs to wrap up because my next appointment is here. Kate is already rising to her feet.

"We'll continue this next session," I say.

Kate nods hesitantly. "Thank you, Dr. Burke."

And she takes her leave. I walk over to my desk, jot a few notes down, and reach for the next file – a patrol officer working through anger management issues after a perp broke into his apartment. But I can't quite push Detective Beckett's session out of my head yet.

Kate Beckett is on a journey – the eighteen inch journey from her heart to her head – and there's no telling how long it's going to take her to get from start to finish.


	2. 02 Head Case

_**SPOILER ALERT! **_

_Minor spoilers from "Head Case" (4x03) and "Lucky Stiff" (3x14). You've been warned!_

_Author's Note: This part got a bit squirrelier than I wanted it to be, which delayed it's posting, and means I'm offering apologies in advance if anything seems out of character or not quite what would/should be happening in an actual session._

_Also, to those who have reviewed, favorite-ed this story, or added it to their alerts – thank you! It is incredibly encouraging to hear that you love this idea._

Today seems to be a good day for Kate Beckett.

She's not trying to hide from the world. She's not fighting off the urge to take flight from my office. She's sitting, one hand curled around her usual travel mug of coffee (half-full, if I were going to try to judge the actual amount). The beginnings of a smile are teasing the corners of her lips and starting to seep into her pupils.

"Tell me about the case you're working on," I say, notepad in my lap and pen in hand. I think there's going to be a lot I want to get on paper today.

Kate pauses for a second, no doubt mentally replaying the start of last week's session. Can I talk about the case we just wrapped up? She asked.

Sure, I told her. Her work is as much reason for her being here as her shooting is. And her mother's death.

And Castle.

"The one we just wrapped up?" she asks. The smile that has been teasing breaks out – not at full strength yet, but more than enough to identify it for what it is.

"Whatever case you've been working on."

Kate nods, a short chuckle escaping her lips. "It started with a murder scene and no body. The vic had a contract with a cryonics firm, and the second he flat-lined, they sent a team to pick up the body for deep freeze."

Of course. She liked the weird murders when they come her way – which is most of the time, because she's good at solving them. She has to think in order to catch the killer.

Might be a coping mechanism, I wrote down in my notes for the session that came up in. The more time she spends thinking about the freaky murders, the less she spends thinking about her mother's case.

"She came up during the case," Kate says now. "My mother."

A victim whose body was snatched to be preserved for potentially all eternity. Her mother was stabbed to death. I'm not seeing a connection, but she hasn't said much about the case yet. I'll try to follow, because obviously it's connecting in her mind.

"We, ah, had to do a lot of legal wrangling to get most of the body back – the head is the 'most important part' in cryonics, they said," Kate continues, shrugging. "In explaining what happened at their facility, I… started to outline what arguments their lawyers would make for not turning the body over to us. Gates asked me how I knew, and I told her – my mother was a lawyer."

My mother was a lawyer. In the middle of a conversation that has no connection – physical or emotional – to her mother's murder other than being about a murder. I write it down.

"And?" I ask when I've finished and she hasn't started talking again.

"I was waiting for you to catch up," Kate answers. "And – it didn't hurt."

I make note of that alongside my last one. This is progress. It's good progress. More than that – extremely good progress.

"And how does that feel?" I ask.

"Like I won the lottery." Another smile. "Oh, that reminds me…"

I sit and wait as Kate pulls a pen out of her jacket pocket.

"Do you have a piece of paper I can use?"

I tear one out of the back of my notepad and hand it to her. She sets it on her knee, writes a quick note – _Castle__ – __fundraiser_– then tucks both pen and paper into the pocket she took the pen from.

"Fundraiser?" I can't help asking.

"Yeah-" Kate nods, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly at me. I wasn't supposed to notice what she wrote, obviously. But it doesn't stop her from telling me why she wrote it. "Before the shooting, Castle wanted to set up a fund – in my mother's name. For future law students planning to go into civil rights law, like she practiced."

"And…" Again, I don't understand the connection.

"It was after we solved the murder of a guy who won the lottery. Castle," she laughs a little bit again. "He wouldn't leave me alone about what I'd do with the money if I won during the case, and finally figured out after it was over that I would probably want to use it to honor my mother's legacy."

There we go.

"Hence the question about the fundraiser."

"Hence the question about the fundraiser." Kate repeats. "He's a good man."

Who loves you.

"Better than I would have guessed a few years ago." There that smile is again. "Although jumping into a dumpster after a frozen head and leaving me to tackle the guy who dropped it? So not cool."

And we're back to the case. I pick up the pen again, poised to start writing and asking more questions. I'm about to ask what else about the case she wanted to mention when I see Kate go stiff and pull something out of her pocket.

Her cell phone. It was on vibrate instead of completely off. Used to being able to break the rules with minimal consequence, she is. I have a strict no cell phone policy.

She looks at it with a grimace, then up and over at me. "Esposito. Body dropped. I don't want to cut it short, but…"

The damage is already done. I know the only think Kate's going to be thinking about if I don't let her go is that body… that new case. So I nod. "Next week."

"Thanks." She rises, picking up her cup and starting to dial before she gets to my door.

"Kate?" I say after her.

She turns back around. "Yes?"

"Next time you come in, please turn your phone off. Or leave it with the receptionist."

"Right." She sighs. "I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted." I let her have a small smile. "Next week, then."

Her back is turned and she's back to dialing the second I finish speaking, striding out the door with purpose and determination. Another murder to solve, another murderer to put behind bars. One of New York's finest heading back out into the line of duty.

When the door closes, I walk over to my desk, sit down, and start writing down notes – things that are occurring to me with her out of the room.

Kate's good attitude wasn't a front today. It's been a good day – a good week, from the sound of it. A case was solved. Gates didn't get rid of Castle. She's optimistic, feels like it might happen sooner than she thought. Diving into a relationship with the man she loves but has no words to tell him as of yet as a whole and healthy human being.

It will come.

I'm just not sure how soon. Or how soon will be best for her.


	3. 03 Kick the Ballistics

_**Spoiler Alert:**_

_Episode 3x06 – 3XK  
>Episode 4x04 – Kick the Ballistics<em>

_You've been warned!_

* * *

><p>"It was like…"<p>

Kate's voice drifts off, eyes flickering to the windows like she's lost in thought. It's better than forty-five minutes ago, her glare barely contained because the receptionist made her give up her phone when she signed in on my instructions. I was not about to take the chance that she would leave her phone on again.

"Like what?" I ask when she doesn't finish the statement.

Kate looks back at me, startled. Clearly, she's been drifting in her own memories of something in the past.

"Like he got the drop on him all over again," she says, her voice strengthening. "On them."

An adequate response, but something tells me that's not all there is to it. After last week's breakthrough, this week makes me think she's starting to shut down - putting some of her walls back in place because there's something she doesn't want to talk about. Something related to her own shooting that she is terrified will see the light of day.

"And it's not like it's over." She continues, sighing. "We've recovered the gun, but the badge… it's still out there. Another sucker punch, with the fist behind it, just waiting for the right time to throw it out there."

"Them as in Ryan and Esposito?" I ask.

"No." Kate shakes her head. "Ryan and Castle. He… he knocked Ryan out, took the gun and the badge, tied Castle up, and left. Now Ryan gets to walk around with the weight of a woman killed with his service weapon, and Castle with knowing that he's still out there."

"Like you walk around knowing that the person who shot you is still out there?"

There's shock in Kate's eyes, in the sudden tightening of her cheeks, for a second before the tension eases and a blink of the eyelids wipes the rest away. Am I not supposed to go there? Or is that not the reason why she's come to me – to hear the truth from someone who has no emotional investment in her life except to help her knock the walls down?

"No," she says with a shake of the head. "It's not the same."

"What is the difference, then?"

It takes Kate a few minutes to answer, and when she does, it's as angry of an answer as her glare was when she first walked into our session. "He wants them to live with it."

"Like-"

I'm about to say _Like they want you to live with knowing they're still after you _when Kate cuts me off.

"Look, Doctor Burke, it was hard as hell watching Ryan work through this case - but he's a better cop for it. And Castle not rising up to take the bait, the first possible lead we've gotten on 3XK since he disappeared last year – showing that he knows the difference between a good and a bad lead? I'm damn proud of both of them."

And there's the knock on the door, signaling the end of session. Kate rises to her feet. "I'll see you next week."

"Next week," I agree with a nod.

"And I trust you won't feel the need to confiscate my phone again?" She asks.

I tap my pen against the top of my pad. "No promises, Kate."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note:<strong>_

_I'm sorry this installment didn't come as quickly as the first two – I had a paper to write for Thursday and a presentation to prepare for yesterday , so this story was the last thing on my mind. Thankfully, they are done, and I have been able to get back to work. I hope you enjoyed!_

_P.S. – Any spelling/grammatical errors are a direct result of not having this chapter beta-ed. Point them out so I can fix them!_

**Disclaimer:**

Even if I owned Castle, I think I'd leave it alone. I like the pacing (especially this season), although I could have done without seeing Nathan Fillion as Elvis. Just sayin'.


	4. 04 Demons

_**Spoiler Alert:**  
>4x05 – Eye of the Beholder<br>4x06 – Demons_

* * *

><p>Again, Kate comes in frustrated because I had her phone confiscated – like she had no warning it was going to happen for the third time in a row. And again, she has cooled down (about that particular topic) as our session has progressed.<p>

"I just – I wish I could really understand why he's so adamant about believing in the supernatural," Kate is saying now, fingers curled around her coffee cup. "And why he's so determined to convince me that it's real."

"You don't believe in demons or ghosts, then."

Kate's already told me about this week's case – the ghost hunter who witnessed a murder as a child murdered himself in the same room where the murder he saw took place. I do not believe in it either – my training has taught me to see the underlying psychological condition in what many would call demonic possession – but what I think about the topic is not terribly relevant. This conversation is about Kate and what she thinks. And feels. And allowing her the space to say those things.

"I believe in facts," Kate's voice hardens. No doubt she is bristling on the inside at my words. Perhaps she feels I am insinuating that there is a problem with what she believes. "Evidence. Not speculation or conjecture."

Yet Kate walks around like her mother has a ghost that is following her around, watching her and judging whether she is passing or failing in her efforts to find out what happened. Interesting.

I write it down.

"Evidence proves speculation," I say.

"Or disproves it." Kate's rebuttal is quick, and sharp. "More often than not."

"Lack of evidence doesn't make speculation false, though, does it?"

The expression on Kate's face eases a fraction. "No. It just keeps it from being either absolute fact or total fiction."

I nod. This is another discussion I have been desirous of since Kate Beckett walked back into my office. If can understand the things she does believe in, I can better understand her. The better I understand her, the better I am able to help her.

"Besides facts, what is it you believe in, Kate?" I ask now, pen poised and waiting for an answer. "A higher power? The universe? Nothing?"

Her expression eases a little bit further. "Love. Honor. Sacrifice. Family."

The love of one Richard Castle, specifically. Kate's been careful this week to not mention him in any way that might suggest where his love lies. After last week's visit and her non-answer to the question of whether she was scared of him waiting or not waiting for her, I can't say I'm surprised. Kate Beckett tends to move on quickly from topics and not mention them again until she has to face them again.

Whatever the answer ended up being, though, it hasn't prompted a significant change in their partnership. And her frustration with his desire for her to believe in the supernatural suggests Serena Kaye was a fleeting interest at best. Whether Kate is scared of it or not, he is waiting for her.

"What specifically about love do you believe in?"

Kate's mouth is opened to answer the question when the phone on my desk chimes, telling me there is someone on the line who cannot wait until the end of this session. Because I have been blessed with a receptionist who is good at determining what needs attention immediately and what can wait, I know this is urgent.

"I'm sorry, Kate," I say, getting up and walking over to it. "Give me just a few minutes…"

"Of course." Kate nods. Her eyes dart around the office as I sit at my desk and take the call. It's my wife, Sarah. She had picked our son, Michael, up early from school for a doctor's appointment, and there was an accident on the way home. The car is headed for the shop, and they're on their way to the hospital. Michael passed out briefly, so they want to make sure it's nothing serious.

"I'm in the middle of a session right now," I tell Sarah now. "But as soon as I finish, I will be there. I love you."

"I love you, too, Carter," Sarah says. "See you soon."

I hang up the phone shortly thereafter, and see Kate standing up, shrugging into her jacket.

"I don't want to keep you from your family," she says when she catches my eye. "Go, Dr. Burke. We can finish this next week. Or I can come in at lunch sometime in the next couple of days, and finish then."

She is not going to leave me with room to argue, and I am not going to fight with her. Even though Michael seems to be fine right now, and Sarah is more than capable of getting herself and Michael home on her own, I do want to be with them.

"Thank you," I reply.

"No problem."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note #1:<strong>  
>Yes, I skipped over 4x05 – Eye of the Beholder. Since there was already a therapy session in that episode, I didn't feel the need to revisit Dr. Burke's office. For that same reason, I'll be skipping Kill Shot and any other episodes in the future where Kate goes to see him. <em>

_**Author's Note #2:**  
>Again with the lack of updates – Dr. Burke and Kate both deserted me in my hour of fan-fiction writing need! It's taken a lot to get this much out of them! And I don't expect to be updating this story this week (paper, oral exam, and then finals next week to study for), so I apologize in advance for the lack of continuation. But since the next part will be 4x07 (Cops and Robbers), I believe it will make up for it!<em>

_**Author's Note #3:**  
>This story is not beta-ed, so all the mistakes within are my responsibility and mine alone. Point out any errors. And review, please? I don't want to beg, but I'm much more motivated to get these guys to talk when people are telling me what they think of things!<em>

_**And finally, disclaimer:**  
>Nope. I have no involvement with the development of Castle whatsoever. If I did, I would already know why they've been so secretive about Cuffed… and I wish I did, because the excitement is killing me!<em>


End file.
